Editorial Review:Product Description:This controversial approach to marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.
Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew -- and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it.
When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back.
The underlying principle of
The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyle's model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husband's choices. When they do, they revitalize intimacy.
Compassionate and practical,
The Surrendered Wife is a step-by-step guide that teaches women how to:
- Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
- Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle, or dismiss their husbands
- Trust their husbands in every aspect of marriage -- from sexual to financial
And more.
The Surrendered Wife will show you how to transform a lonely marriage into a passionate union.
Amazon.com Review:Self-proclaimed 'feminist and former shrew' Laura Doyle sets forth a whopper of a game plan for establishing profound intimacy in one's marriage. Building on the gender stereotypes defined by bestselling author John Gray (
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus), Doyle seeks to heal the overworked, underappreciated wife who snarls at her mate's every thought or action. Her message to these smart, self-sufficient types: check the nitpicking, the unsolicited opinions, and--egads!--the finances at the marital door (although she says it's still okay to wield control at work). Many women will find such advice archaic and offensive; some will simply laugh off this credential-free anachronism when they receive the book as a bridal-shower gag gift. Still others, identifying with Doyle's profile of a controlling wife, will be curious enough to dabble in her proposed art of 'surrendering.'
According to Doyle, the wife who chooses to surrender must learn to take care of herself first, overcome the desire to have more power, and abandon the myth of equality. Delving into the personal tales and sisterly advice shared within each chapter's pages, surrendering wives will further note the need to master unsavory phrases like 'I can't,' and 'Whatever you think'--tough to swallow for a generation of women who value their own opinions. While she fully acknowledges that a few bills will go unpaid and a few deadlines or freeway exits will occasionally be missed, she also insists that surrendered wives will encounter less worry and fear, more money, and better sex. Hey, 'Whatever you think....'
--Liane Thomas
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Customer Reviews
Average Rating:
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Former Feminist Goes the Opposite Extreme
Follow the suggestions in this book only if you want to "bend over and take it" for the rest of your marriage. This is one of the most unbalanced books I have ever read. You would think it was written by a man trying to take advantage of his wife without accepting any responsibility for his own actions. In actuality it was written by a former self-proclaimed feminist, who is clearly prone to extremism, and now clearly leans way too far into the submissive realm.
If you have any pride in yourself as a woman...or if you actually want to be happy...do not follow the recommendations in this book. Thank God, we, as women, finally have a voice in this nation. This book would set women's rights back centuries. I have been happily married 11 years. Marriage is a 2 way street. Completely ignoring yourself should never be the goal for any wife...and your husband shouldn't want that for you either. We can be strong women, and enjoy chivalrous actions from our partners...all without losing ourselves or our dignity along the way. There is a happy medium to everything in life...a delicate balance to peacefully co-existing...YOU WILL NOT FIND IT IN THIS BOOK.
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Practical, excellent advice for a better marriage
I love this book and am now reading it for the third time. It is just full of common sense wisdom about how to have harmony in marriage by giving up the fight to always be right, have everything done your way, have the last word, etc. Here's a typical nugget (p. 55), "Either you hold your tongue and preserve harmony or you speak critically and create a chasm of resentment and resistance." The advice is excellent, practical, and has the potential to change your marriage for the better.
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Such wisdom isn't always accepted at first
I read this book about 6 years ago, with a pretty normal, dual-career, 3 kids marriage. I started trying her ideas. Our marriage got better. Then, I decided that I resented doing this. (By the way, our marriage got worse at that point, maybe coincidence-?) To make a long story short, I am definitely back to surrendering to my husband, as much for him as for me. I am calmer, happier, and 100% obedient. He's the best husband on earth. I needed to ease up on personal pride and once that happened, I can't explain to you how much it feels like it is supposed to be this way. When obedience and submission to your husband are offered voluntarily out of respect for him, there is no implication of me being a second class citizen or less intelligent or whatever. Forced submission out of fear is wrong, unproductive, and bad for marriage. But what Laura Doyle is talking about is in our hearts, and voluntary, and initiated by the wife. I do think though, that the woman should not work outside the home. (Ms. Doyle does not feel this way necessarily). That is why I started resenting the idea of submission initially, because the demands on me were unrealistic. But once I stopped working, aha! Then it fell into place. If a woman works outside the home, she has too much to do to attend to her husbands needs, AND she is mixed up in two different energies: work (competing with other companies or workers; time-frenzies) and home (routine, calming, quiet, etc.) But when she can stay home and be a wife, she comes into her own world and it all fits together. This is a great book.
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A Helping Hand
The Surrendered Wife is a book for women who are willing to take a step back and re-learn her love for her husband. I have been married for exactly 9 months now with my first love and first husband. We were made for each other as almost complete opposites. Where I want to fight an issue until it is resolved, he wants to stop and take a step back to breath for a minute. I recently found myself wondering what was going wrong. We were arguing every day about something, even the smallest thing. Somehow we managed to make up recently, but I still felt like there was something different that had to be done besides the usual. Nothing was working my way, so I walked into Barnes and Noble on a mission.
When he and I first started dating, I purchased The Surrendered Wife. As I read the book, I set it on the bedside table because I had no idea what she was talking about. Since we were not married yet, I thought to myself, "None of that will happen to me." Eventually it was sent to the dump. However, when I saw it on the shelf in B&N, I knew I should read it again. That was Sunday. Today is Wednesday, and I have already seen the affects her techniques have made. We were driving home in the car from worship when I started reading. As I read through the first few chapters, I started feeling guilty immediately. It was embarrassing to see myself through the words in that book.
In her introduction she begins by identifying "The Origin of Control." I had NEVER thought of myself as a controller. I don't have the main portion of money in my account, and he already pays all the bills. Yet, as we were driving along, I suddenly thought of many situations where I was trying to control my husband, rather than allow him to be who he is. I cannot even remember all the things I apologized for, but it was about 7 times by the end of the night. When we got home, he came in the door after unloading the car to announce I had left the light on from reading my book. I said, "Oh, did you turn it off?" He said, "Yep." When I smiled at him and said, "Thank you." He said, "Wow. There was something different in your eyes when you said that. It was refreshing." Then he hugged me and kissed me. It was funny because I was feeling lighter from my apologies and just thought it was nice he had done that so I did not have to go back out to deal with it. For MY mistake of leaving the light on, I was REWARDED by hugs and kisses!!!
Later in the night after my seventh time apologizing, he said, "It makes you feel lighter doesn't it? Less of a burden." I heard his heart message (Chapter 18) in that. He was not telling me that he felt like I NEEDED to apologize, but it was his way of saying he was feeling better too. The baggage from dating and marriage was slowly pealing away, and we were BOTH feeling good.
Even today, when I found out I had a meeting from 4:30-6:30, I found myself controlling. I emailed him at work to let him know I would not be home in time to make dinner. I let him know that there was food to make tacos, but that there was really nothing else if he did not want to cook. His response was to tell me that tacos sounded good. Well, I immediately hit the respond button and proceeded to spell out how to make the tacos! He is not a dumb idiot. I rewrote the email 4 times to make sure I was not instructing him. Instead, I wrote this: "This sounds like fun! I'm looking forward to coming home to tacos!" Now he has something to look forward to: providing dinner for me without my nagging and providing for my needs. We'll have fun and not argue. It was HARD leaving it up to him to get the job done. I could go home, and he has not started yet. I plan on just taking some "self-help time" (Chapter 4) and relaxing for once! Or, I can get that laundry done that has been in great need. I do not plan on taking over, but instead, I'm going to rely on him to get it done.
Doyle's book is not for EVERYONE. However, if you are at least willing to give it a try, I suggest taking the challenge. There will be ups and downs, but if you just hate it, I would try something else. If you want hugs and kisses...it's worth the risk.
Rating: 
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To gain a husband you must lose yourself?
Laura Doyle had probably the best intentions when she wrote this book and I can see the appeal it would have to many women. No one wants to nag, nit pick or harass their husband. We would all love it if we could be his cheerleader, supporter, friend instead of a "mom" figure to him. At first it seems as if you might agree with her strategies. Let him make up his own mind about what socks to wear, which friends he wants to have etc.
But then she takes it to an extreme ...a downright scary one.
According to her you can never teach, criticize or correct your husband. Even if he's cooking a roast so poorly it might burn down the house, even if he's driven across state lines and made you miss your father's funeral as a result, even if he's missed 7 payments on the mortgage, even if he asks for your input and opinion, your response should always and forever be "Whatever you think!" If you don't do this you are emasculating him, disrespecting him and he will resent you, lose sexual attraction to you or begin a "cold war" in your home.
Oh and if you're thinking "No problem I'll drive, do the chore and handle the finances" ...well you're not allowed to do that either because the man MUST be "in control."
This logic does not work in the reverse. Apparently women can and should listen to their husband's criticisms, suggestions and opinions because they are valuable. I'm confused ...men can take control of a situation for a woman, teach her, lead her, but is incapable of benefiting in any way if a woman does that for him? Doyle coaches women to suppress their aggravation if a man has done a disrespectful action such as ruin the silk sheets because he spilled coffee all over it and didn't clean it up. She says instead to weigh that action against the whole marriage and ask yourself which is more important the sheets or your marriage? So if I tell my husband he made a mistake he might leave me?
I agree that the way to effective communication is not through yelling, insulting or belittling but that doesn't mean to silence your self altogether! There are so many levels in between. Andrew Carnegie's book "How to Make Friends and Influence People" while not in the context of marriage is the happy medium that teaches respectful talk while still speaking your mind. PLEASE don't lose yourself in a marriage just because you want a husband!
